everyday alchemy

I've been doing this experiment for the past few months, changing some of my internal attitudes. I have these demons (doesn't everybody live with at least one?). Basically, it's that stern little voice inside that says, you're stupid. Everyone else already knows that. What you're doing doesn't matter. If you do something useful, you do it at the expense of your children; you can't win. Let's see, what else does it say? Oh, you are hopeless.

Anyone else have a voice like that? I have a few different ones - one that is more like a judge, another more like some bad-fantasy girlgroup, approving or disapproving everything i do. Mainly disapproving. I tried ignoring them. I tried doing the opposite of what the demons would dictate. I tried deep breathing. I tried reason.

All of these attempts were reasonably useful. And then i landed on this other thing. Don't laugh, but it works better than a lot of the other exorcisms i tried. I decided that self-loathing was a sacrifice i would make to God. I was going to use every day as an opportunity to give up using my energy against myself, and convert it to energy to serve myself and others. I thought of it like a trade-in. I didn't think that God would reach out and change my life or lift away my challenges. That's just not how it works to me. What i did believe, however, is that i had not lived up to all that i could be by mistreating myself. And really, all that sternness was just a copout from being functional. And then, i got sort of pissed off at myself in a healthy way: I had a handle on doing things differently!

So here's my strategy: every day in the morning i recommit to a life of openness to possibilities, and to using my gifts positively. I mean, if some sort of divinity created me, surely it wouldn't want me beating up on it constantly! So... during the day, I have to remind myself to be gentle with myself and everyone else, and wait to see what happens. It has put me into a lot of "not knowing" categories, because the safety of pessimism is you get to be smart, and right: whatever it is, it'll never work. It's so damn tempting, if one has taken a bunch of beatings, to assume that "the whole world" is like that. What a load of self-perpetuating crap!

Well, so here's the semi-happy ending: I have a lot more energy, because I'm not turning it against myself. AND I have spent enough time being kind to myself that i actually am feeling stronger, and clearer. Which makes me better at making decisions. It's not perfect, but now at least i can know the difference between self-support and the sticky spots. I think, in many ways, that's what we're all fumbling towards: can i dare to be fully myself and still be loved? The answer is decidedly yes! Turns out, kindness to self is a really great thing, and it sure makes it easier to BE yourself. Turns out, kindness starts at home. The inner home.

Now i've created inner advocates - characters whose input just takes the place of the former, less inspired ones. I don't know yet what the outcome of this experiment will be. I just keep tuning into the healthy committee, and those other voices get thinner and smaller. And i carry myself with more dignity and respect. It makes daily life a much, much nicer experience. ahhhh.