The Fork in the Road

We're coming to a fork in the road, does anybody else feel it? It's like this: either we continue doing what we did before, working away and not noticing the world events unfolding around us, assuming it's someone else's job to get the government to wake up, to get the companies to clean up, and to get the schools to shake up; OR... we decide that we have to be working towards something better, something with more LIFE. More TRUTH.

I used to be a fence-sitter. Fence sitting is a temporarily superior place to be, where you just observe, analyze and criticize others' work. That way, you never have to be imperfect yourself, because you're not actually doing anything creative, just pointing out the frailties of another's position. No more.

I've had it. I don't want to be a part of the problem, and i don't want to be a priggish commentator. i want to be a part of a healthier future. for me that means saying, yes, i believe that spirit impacts the world, if i let it. yes, i believe in the saints and demons. yes, i believe in science and scrutiny. and yes, i believe in freedom and license. all things in their time.

The question is, what do we need now? More war? I think not. More weapons? I think not. More coverups and exposes? Good grief, can we get past the he-said-she-said thing? We need more forgiveness. We need less irony. We need more serenity in the face of disturbances. We need more internal conviction and less external protocols. We need more power to stretch and bend the arms of love, and less power to hold back the will of people to be free. we need more compassion. we need less disdain. We need fewer self-important executives, and more self-respecting moms. We need tools for change and transition. We need sanctuaries where we find the balance of elements and the integration of spirit. We need models and examples of hope and commitment that weather the storms of public unrest. We need more politicians who actually work for the public good. We need fewer politicians-by-Disney.

We have come to a fork in the road, and we need help to get clear about investing the energies of our lives differently. the choices are becoming clearer. i choose spirit. i choose life. i choose that loosely woven fabric of relationships qualified by goodwill. I'll leave cornering the market and saving the world for democracy to the dinosaurs. i choose magic.

everyday alchemy

I've been doing this experiment for the past few months, changing some of my internal attitudes. I have these demons (doesn't everybody live with at least one?). Basically, it's that stern little voice inside that says, you're stupid. Everyone else already knows that. What you're doing doesn't matter. If you do something useful, you do it at the expense of your children; you can't win. Let's see, what else does it say? Oh, you are hopeless.

Anyone else have a voice like that? I have a few different ones - one that is more like a judge, another more like some bad-fantasy girlgroup, approving or disapproving everything i do. Mainly disapproving. I tried ignoring them. I tried doing the opposite of what the demons would dictate. I tried deep breathing. I tried reason.

All of these attempts were reasonably useful. And then i landed on this other thing. Don't laugh, but it works better than a lot of the other exorcisms i tried. I decided that self-loathing was a sacrifice i would make to God. I was going to use every day as an opportunity to give up using my energy against myself, and convert it to energy to serve myself and others. I thought of it like a trade-in. I didn't think that God would reach out and change my life or lift away my challenges. That's just not how it works to me. What i did believe, however, is that i had not lived up to all that i could be by mistreating myself. And really, all that sternness was just a copout from being functional. And then, i got sort of pissed off at myself in a healthy way: I had a handle on doing things differently!

So here's my strategy: every day in the morning i recommit to a life of openness to possibilities, and to using my gifts positively. I mean, if some sort of divinity created me, surely it wouldn't want me beating up on it constantly! So... during the day, I have to remind myself to be gentle with myself and everyone else, and wait to see what happens. It has put me into a lot of "not knowing" categories, because the safety of pessimism is you get to be smart, and right: whatever it is, it'll never work. It's so damn tempting, if one has taken a bunch of beatings, to assume that "the whole world" is like that. What a load of self-perpetuating crap!

Well, so here's the semi-happy ending: I have a lot more energy, because I'm not turning it against myself. AND I have spent enough time being kind to myself that i actually am feeling stronger, and clearer. Which makes me better at making decisions. It's not perfect, but now at least i can know the difference between self-support and the sticky spots. I think, in many ways, that's what we're all fumbling towards: can i dare to be fully myself and still be loved? The answer is decidedly yes! Turns out, kindness to self is a really great thing, and it sure makes it easier to BE yourself. Turns out, kindness starts at home. The inner home.

Now i've created inner advocates - characters whose input just takes the place of the former, less inspired ones. I don't know yet what the outcome of this experiment will be. I just keep tuning into the healthy committee, and those other voices get thinner and smaller. And i carry myself with more dignity and respect. It makes daily life a much, much nicer experience. ahhhh.